My Word of the Year: Belonging
There’s a group of other entrepreneurs I meet with every month, and since it’s the beginning of a new year (how long can we keep saying that?), we’ve been recapping last year and thinking ahead about what we want 2024 to look like. One of the things we did in our meeting last week was to identify a “word for the year.”
The word I chose is belonging. I’ve been trying to find belonging for my entire life, I think. I often wonder how many other adoptees feel this way. I think it would be hard for anyone who had been abandoned and shipped off to another country to feel like they belong anywhere for a while.
Over the last couple of years, as diversity, equity, and inclusion have become buzzwords we all know and love (right?), I’ve grappled a lot with my identity. I was adopted and raised in a predominantly white community. I’m a “model minority.” I’m educated. I have a lot of privilege. A lot. I almost always have. I basically felt like I was white growing up, at least until I moved to a new school where my race was the only thing my peers could see.
So it was eye opening to realize that despite all that, there are still facets of my identity that are marginalized. In the last year, I’ve realized that how my brain works is one of them. I’ve done a lot of reflecting on my life and the different spaces I’ve occupied, and I realized that, until recently, I had never been in a place where I felt like I belonged that I didn’t have a hand in creating for myself. That is, until I joined the board of directors at Handmade Arcade. That was the first place that was fully formed without my participation where I walked through the (virtual) door and knew I was supposed to be there.
“It was eye opening to realize that... there are still facets of my identity that are marginalized.”
I joined HA’s board to serve a community I love, and my board service has given me so much in return. I’ve found friends on the board, as well as people who work like me and think like me and whom I’m working and thinking with in other contexts now, too. I learned what doing good work with good people can possibly feel like, and it raised the bar for my professional expectations as I worked toward launching my consulting business.
I think this positioned me to be ready for one of my current clients, someone who celebrates and appreciates that I always have an opinion that is rooted in my lived experiences, my values, and the vision I have for a world that has more places where people like me belong. They don’t judge and aren’t bothered by my communication style because they know that my intentions and my values are pure and rooted in a strong sense of justice. They treat me with dignity and respect in a way that makes me believe I was always deserving of it and that tells me I always will be.
“They treat me with dignity and respect in a way that makes me believe I was always deserving of it and that tells me I always will be.”
So, from now on, as I navigate my life and my business, I know I’ll be thoughtful and intentional about the spaces I’m willing to occupy. I consider having the ability to do this to be a privilege in itself; I know many people can’t afford to make these kinds of choices. I’ve also seen firsthand that, for some people, this hasn’t occurred to them.
What Business Owners & Nonprofit Professionals Need to Know About Belonging
It hasn’t occurred to many of my clients that their customers and employers need to qualify to work with them. I’ve coached folks on how to create and implement processes in their sales funnels that result in ensuring a good mutual fit, rather than in serving anyone who wants - or demands - to work with them. I’ve helped leaders ask for what they deserve so they can stay where they are and to walk away in search of it elsewhere. The prospect of turning work down or walking away from gainful employment can be scary, but if you have the privilege to do so, the ways in which it can help you protect your time and your peace can revolutionize not just your business but your life.
I’ve been spending a lot of time lately trying to think more in repeatable patterns - what are lessons that ring true to multiple clients or in multiple contexts, despite my highly customized approach to my work? Are there valuable things I can share with a broader audience for free? Because I’m not just trying to make money over here; I’m trying to change the world. I think there are; I just have trouble identifying them sometimes.
So, here goes. Here are five things that have helped me and my clients to be more intentional about spaces we’re willing to occupy and people we’re willing to serve:
Folks have to qualify to work with you as much as you must qualify to work for them. Of course you want to be chosen, who doesn’t? Sometimes you’ll be chosen by people or circumstances you wouldn’t choose in return. In these situations, you can accept it and live with the consequences, you can walk away, or you can...
Teach people how to treat you. For the most part, people respond well to knowing what your boundaries are and will respect them, but it’s up to you to tell them. This can feel scary if you’re used to going with the flow or have a people pleasing part. Practice saying “no” without apologizing, and get clear with yourself first about what you’re willing to do. And when you encounter someone who is deeply offended by your boundaries (or that you have any self-respect at all - it happens), know that that’s a personal problem - their personal problem, and it has nothing to do with you.
Listen to your body. Would you believe me if I told you that I didn’t know that my body is capable of telling me things until after I had my twins? I didn’t! That’s how I ended up with shingles at 27 and two stomach ulcers before I turned 30. Now that I know that my body often knows more than I do and knows it sooner than I do, I’ve unlocked a secret weapon to shield against people and places that aren’t for me. If I feel my heartbeat speed up, my breath get stuck in my chest, or my fingertips start rubbing together like I’m a cricket, I know to ask myself what’s wrong.
Pay attention to the effects that different people, circumstances, and types of work have on your energy. Are you exhausted after that one standing weekly meeting you have every Tuesday? Do you feel a rush after attending a networking event? Are you easily distracted every time you try to work on reconciling your books? I’ve found that the first step toward a more intentional way to engage with and evaluate my work is knowing what fills me up and what drains my energy. Then, I can plan accordingly to set myself up for success before I have to do things.
Make finding where you belong a priority. I think it’s tough to find what you don’t know you’re looking for, so be thoughtful about how you want to feel at work, how you want to be treated, and how you want to be free to show up. Then, you’ll know it when you see it, and you can raise the bar for what you’re willing to accept moving forward.
Do your customers, partners, and employers have to qualify to work with you? Can you see yourself implementing any of these tips? If this resonated with you in any way, I’d love to hear about it via email or in a comment below.
